Category Archives: Baseball Boys

Baseball Tuesday Morning, YAY!!

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YO, PEEP THIS.

This is Heath FUCKING BELL. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS WHEN HEATH BELL GOES TO PITCH? CRAZY SHIT TIME, THAT’S WHAT IT IS. THIS ONE TIME HE WAS IN THE ALLSTAR GAME AND HE SLID INTO THE PITCHER’S MOUND (UM, THAT’S INAPPROPRIATE). IT WAS SO TIGHT.

HEATH FUCKING BELL (SORRY, IT’S “JUSTIN” NOT “FUCKING”) STARTED OUT PLAYING FOR THE METS. THE METS ARE WHERE WE GOT CARLOS BELTRAN, AND WHERE WE SENT ZACH WHEELER (COME HOME, ZACKY). Heath Bell NOW plays for the San Diego Padres. A team we love to hate, because even though they are 13,000 games back in the NL West, they have our number. Padres are stupid and dumb, and Bruce Bochy and Tim Flannery and everyone else USED to be a PADRE AND THEY HAD COOL UNIFORMS BACK IN THE ’70S. THEY WEAR THEM SOMETIMES NOW.

HIS COUSIN’S NAME IS DRAKE. DRAKE BELL. AS IN “DRAKE AND JOSH.” IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE THAT’S FROM YOU’RE WAY STUPIDER THAN HEATH BELL, WHO WENT TO A COMMUNITY COLLEGE, WHICH IS HOW YOU KNOW HE’S SMART. TRUST ME. COMM COLLEGES ARE HARDER THAN PUBLIC IVIES. WHICH ARE HARDER THAN IVY LEAGUE SCHOOLS WHICH IS WHY THE WHOLE GRADE INFLATION THING STARTED AND THE REASON WHY ONLY 2 PEOPLE CAN GET AN A IN A COLLEGE COURSE AT MY OLD UNIVERSITY.

LOOK AT THIS CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER GODDAM. THIS MOTHERFUCKER COULD KNOCK YOU OUT, DON’T LIE. YOU WILL NEVER BE HALF THE MAN HEATH BELL IS. WHEN YOU ARE OLD AND NOT FAMOUS, PEOPLE WILL STILL REMEMBER WHEN HE SLID INTO THE MOUND IN THE 2011 ALL STAR GAME. MEANWHLE YOUR KIDS WILL BE LOOKING AT YOU LIKE, HEATH BELL IS AWESOME, WHAT DID *YOU* EVER DO IN YOUR LIFE, MOM/DAD? I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, COULDN’T YOU HAVE EVER BEEN AS COOL AS HEATH BELL, DAD? JESUS, DAD, YOU SUCK ROCKS. GO LEAVE ME ALONE. I’M GOING TO PRETEND TO BE HEATH BELL’S KID CAUSE AT LEAST HE’S DONE SOMETHING WORTHWHILE IN HIS LIFE.

WE DON’T REALLY WORRY ABOUT THE PADRES (EVEN IF WE SHOULD, CAUSE SERIOUSLY DOES *ANYONE* *WANT* TO WIN THE NL WEST? I’M WONDERING FOR REALS). SO YOU CAN LIKE THEM IF YOU WANT, IF YOU’RE A FAN OF STUPID TEAMS LIKE THE PADRES. THEY’RE STUPID. BUT THEY HAVE HEATH BELL.

AND YOUR KIDS ALREADY HATE YOU, SO DON’T WORRY.

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Baseball Monday Morning

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Bet you thought this wasn’t ever gonna show up, weren’t you? Well, the weekend and all its heartbreaking games, is over! It’s time to get back to business.

Today I present you with: CHASE UTLEY!!!!!

Nicknamed Uggly by lots of fans, Philadelphia Phillies’ 2nd baseman Chase Utley went up to bat yesterday and chucked his bat at Timothy Lincecum, causing him to fall back and down, potentially injuring his knee or right ankle. Luckily the X-Rays were fine. THAT IS WHY I WILL NOT BE TALKING ABOUT CHASE UTLEY TODAY.

BOO THE PHILLIES, TODAY, FOR ATTACKING OUR PITCHERS!

(P.S. Comment if you would like the above wallpaper. Shhh.)

Baseball Friday Morning

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THIS IS CJ WILSON. He is a member of the baseball hipster club. AWW FUCK YEAH! There are like three people in that and the other two are on the Giants. CJ Wilson is a starting pitcher for the Texas Rangers. That team is like, owned by GEORGE W. BUSH AND IT IS DISGUSTING, but if the Rangers are your thing anyway, that’s okay. If you don’t mind that they were beat by the Giants in the World Series last year.

CJ Wilson is 2 L33T, or whatever. You can tell because he is from CALIFORNIA. That is how you know he is the real deal. He was drafted to the Rangers in the 5th round in 2001. He went to Loyola Marymount, so obviously he is probably not Catholic because most of the people at Catholic schools aren’t Catholic. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT, PEOPLE?

He is 30, so it is okay to perve on him. THIS ONE TIME, AUBREY HUFF GREW UP AS A TEXAS RANGER FAN. AUBREY HUFF IS THE GIANTS MAIN FIRST BASEMAN…OH WAIT I WAS TALKING ABOUT CJ. ALL THE GIRLS WANT TO GET UP ON CJ. HE WEARS GIRL’S JEANS AND BEANIES AND HAS DONE EVERYTHING YOU’VE THOUGHT OF BEFORE IT WAS EVEN INVENTED, LET ALONE BEFORE IT WAS COOL.

THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS SO TRENDY, HE’S ON TWITTER. I MEAN, THAT IS A BRAND NEW TECHNOLOGY. HE DID IT BEFORE IT WAS COOL, PROBABLY. HIS NAME IS @STR8EDGERACER .

THIS IS BECAUSE CJ IS A TAOIST AND BELIEVES IN LIVING “STRAIGHT EDGE.” I TOLD YOU THIS MOTHER FUCKER WAS NOT PLAYING AROUND. HE HAS STRAIGHT EDGE TATTOOED DOWN HIS TORSO. THIS GUY IS SO BADASS HE CAN GET TATTOOS AND THEY PROBABLY DON’T EVEN HURT HIM CAUSE HE IS LIKE SOME BUDDHIST SHIT. ALSO THE RACER PART COMES FROM WHEN HE RACES CARS IN HIS “FREE TIME”

DO YOU EVER HAVE FREE TIME LIKE THAT? I DO NOT THINK SO. EVERYONE SIT IN LOTUS AND TRY TO REACH NIRVANA. CAUSE CLEARLY THAT IS WHAT CJ IS ALL ABOUT.

TODAY WE CANNOT EVER ROOT FOR THE RANGERS, AND RANGERS PITCHERS (*COUGH*NOLAN RYAN*COUGH*) ARE USUALLY WAY OVERRATED. BUT WE CAN FLOAT SOME GOOD KARMA TO HIM, OR WHATEVER THE FUCK HE BELIEVES IN.

Baseball Thursday

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This is San Francisco Giants’ outfielder Cody Ross. Cody is fierce, enjoys bubblegum and, with Uncorked for a Cause, is releasing his own WINE this year. OH YEAH, you think you can handle Cody Ross? Well, Cody Ross is Boss, so that will probably not happen. One time, Jimmy Fallon said he looked like a Chuckie doll who found Jesus. His dad was a professional bull rider. SO HE IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. When he was little, he wanted to be a Rodeo Clown. He is married to this chick named Summer and they have ADORABLE children. I bet your ugly ass can’t make adorable children like Cody’s can. His son is Hudson Ross. Hudson Ross is a bad ass baseball player. Just like his dad. He is only, like, four. CAN YOU SAY THAT? THAT YOUR DAD WAS A BULLRIDER AND YOUR SON IS ALREADY BETTER THAN EVERYONE ON THE PHILLIES?

This classy, suave motherfucker is from New Mexico, so you know he’s the real deal. We signed him last year (fuck that person who said I couldn’t refer to the Giants as “we”) toward the end of the regular season and he was like, MVP right away and shit. SO AWESOME. Cody likes practical jokes, long walks on the beach and screwing with Aubrey Huff’s mind. Whenever you see him, he is chewing bubble gum and grinning.

His batting stance is also AMAZING, because he acts like he is a very long and immovable stick in the batter’s box. Watch him bat. Tell me if he ever curves his body in any way.

And this mother fucker is so fly, like, everyone, including your grandma, wants to be him. Yes, he is amazing. He’s had a little slump this year, but he’s finding his way back. AND THE MOTHER FUCKER HAS HIS OWN WINE.

DID I MENTION HIS DAD WAS A PROFESSIONAL BULL RIDER? DAMN THIS GUY IS COOL.

 

GUESS WHAT ELSE? HIS NAME BACKWARDS IS SSORY DOC!!!!