Category Archives: Sports

Baseball Tuesday Morning, YAY!!

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YO, PEEP THIS.

This is Heath FUCKING BELL. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS WHEN HEATH BELL GOES TO PITCH? CRAZY SHIT TIME, THAT’S WHAT IT IS. THIS ONE TIME HE WAS IN THE ALLSTAR GAME AND HE SLID INTO THE PITCHER’S MOUND (UM, THAT’S INAPPROPRIATE). IT WAS SO TIGHT.

HEATH FUCKING BELL (SORRY, IT’S “JUSTIN” NOT “FUCKING”) STARTED OUT PLAYING FOR THE METS. THE METS ARE WHERE WE GOT CARLOS BELTRAN, AND WHERE WE SENT ZACH WHEELER (COME HOME, ZACKY). Heath Bell NOW plays for the San Diego Padres. A team we love to hate, because even though they are 13,000 games back in the NL West, they have our number. Padres are stupid and dumb, and Bruce Bochy and Tim Flannery and everyone else USED to be a PADRE AND THEY HAD COOL UNIFORMS BACK IN THE ’70S. THEY WEAR THEM SOMETIMES NOW.

HIS COUSIN’S NAME IS DRAKE. DRAKE BELL. AS IN “DRAKE AND JOSH.” IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE THAT’S FROM YOU’RE WAY STUPIDER THAN HEATH BELL, WHO WENT TO A COMMUNITY COLLEGE, WHICH IS HOW YOU KNOW HE’S SMART. TRUST ME. COMM COLLEGES ARE HARDER THAN PUBLIC IVIES. WHICH ARE HARDER THAN IVY LEAGUE SCHOOLS WHICH IS WHY THE WHOLE GRADE INFLATION THING STARTED AND THE REASON WHY ONLY 2 PEOPLE CAN GET AN A IN A COLLEGE COURSE AT MY OLD UNIVERSITY.

LOOK AT THIS CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER GODDAM. THIS MOTHERFUCKER COULD KNOCK YOU OUT, DON’T LIE. YOU WILL NEVER BE HALF THE MAN HEATH BELL IS. WHEN YOU ARE OLD AND NOT FAMOUS, PEOPLE WILL STILL REMEMBER WHEN HE SLID INTO THE MOUND IN THE 2011 ALL STAR GAME. MEANWHLE YOUR KIDS WILL BE LOOKING AT YOU LIKE, HEATH BELL IS AWESOME, WHAT DID *YOU* EVER DO IN YOUR LIFE, MOM/DAD? I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, COULDN’T YOU HAVE EVER BEEN AS COOL AS HEATH BELL, DAD? JESUS, DAD, YOU SUCK ROCKS. GO LEAVE ME ALONE. I’M GOING TO PRETEND TO BE HEATH BELL’S KID CAUSE AT LEAST HE’S DONE SOMETHING WORTHWHILE IN HIS LIFE.

WE DON’T REALLY WORRY ABOUT THE PADRES (EVEN IF WE SHOULD, CAUSE SERIOUSLY DOES *ANYONE* *WANT* TO WIN THE NL WEST? I’M WONDERING FOR REALS). SO YOU CAN LIKE THEM IF YOU WANT, IF YOU’RE A FAN OF STUPID TEAMS LIKE THE PADRES. THEY’RE STUPID. BUT THEY HAVE HEATH BELL.

AND YOUR KIDS ALREADY HATE YOU, SO DON’T WORRY.

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Baseball Monday Morning

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Bet you thought this wasn’t ever gonna show up, weren’t you? Well, the weekend and all its heartbreaking games, is over! It’s time to get back to business.

Today I present you with: CHASE UTLEY!!!!!

Nicknamed Uggly by lots of fans, Philadelphia Phillies’ 2nd baseman Chase Utley went up to bat yesterday and chucked his bat at Timothy Lincecum, causing him to fall back and down, potentially injuring his knee or right ankle. Luckily the X-Rays were fine. THAT IS WHY I WILL NOT BE TALKING ABOUT CHASE UTLEY TODAY.

BOO THE PHILLIES, TODAY, FOR ATTACKING OUR PITCHERS!

(P.S. Comment if you would like the above wallpaper. Shhh.)

Baseball Thursday

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This is San Francisco Giants’ outfielder Cody Ross. Cody is fierce, enjoys bubblegum and, with Uncorked for a Cause, is releasing his own WINE this year. OH YEAH, you think you can handle Cody Ross? Well, Cody Ross is Boss, so that will probably not happen. One time, Jimmy Fallon said he looked like a Chuckie doll who found Jesus. His dad was a professional bull rider. SO HE IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. When he was little, he wanted to be a Rodeo Clown. He is married to this chick named Summer and they have ADORABLE children. I bet your ugly ass can’t make adorable children like Cody’s can. His son is Hudson Ross. Hudson Ross is a bad ass baseball player. Just like his dad. He is only, like, four. CAN YOU SAY THAT? THAT YOUR DAD WAS A BULLRIDER AND YOUR SON IS ALREADY BETTER THAN EVERYONE ON THE PHILLIES?

This classy, suave motherfucker is from New Mexico, so you know he’s the real deal. We signed him last year (fuck that person who said I couldn’t refer to the Giants as “we”) toward the end of the regular season and he was like, MVP right away and shit. SO AWESOME. Cody likes practical jokes, long walks on the beach and screwing with Aubrey Huff’s mind. Whenever you see him, he is chewing bubble gum and grinning.

His batting stance is also AMAZING, because he acts like he is a very long and immovable stick in the batter’s box. Watch him bat. Tell me if he ever curves his body in any way.

And this mother fucker is so fly, like, everyone, including your grandma, wants to be him. Yes, he is amazing. He’s had a little slump this year, but he’s finding his way back. AND THE MOTHER FUCKER HAS HIS OWN WINE.

DID I MENTION HIS DAD WAS A PROFESSIONAL BULL RIDER? DAMN THIS GUY IS COOL.

 

GUESS WHAT ELSE? HIS NAME BACKWARDS IS SSORY DOC!!!!

Baseball Morning #1

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Here is our first player of the day.

 

This is Joe Mauer. Like all of my Baseball Mornings in the future, he is pretty. Joe is a catcher for the Minnesota Twins. He is a classy mother-f**ker.

He has two brothers. Both of them have also been signed to the Twins.

Today we are GO MINNESOTA!!!

There’s No Game Today

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So it’s time to turn my mind to other things.

Baseball is a wonderful out from the world. Stats and Players and trades and scouting reports, entire newspaper sections devoted to inside details and comments and wonderings. Girls can’t play in MLB, so I want to be an announcer when I grow up.

Even on an off-day, I can go to Tumblr and save pictures, re-blog comments, post random .gifs of Brian Wilson.

I overload my Facebook page with Giants stuff. All the time. Half of me bleeds Carolina Blue, the other half, the Orange and Black.

It’s an escape. Not that I haven’t been a fan for years. I stopped watching after the strike, the year of no World Series. I was devastated because the 87+ Giants were my heroes. I even loved the D-Bags, just because Matt Williams went there. Clark, Thompson, Willie Mays, McCovey, Ruschel, Dravecky, Jose Uribe, they were all mine.

A friend asked me to give them another try, and so I did. It took one game. One time watching my Giants play. New team. New era. No steroids. Just Tim and Brian and Sergio, the Panda, Molina, Edgar Renteria, before the Posey era began, even. They brought up #34, Matt Downs, and then sent him back down. I was devastated. Now Darren Ford wears #34. I want Mike Krukow to be my dad.

But I have a life other than this. Or at least, I should. I did. I make barely any money, and that may be cut off this coming month. I’m scared. I have a lot of debt, thanks to school and being sick. Baseball gives me three-four hours a day, and all the anticipation before, to jump out of the worry.

I like to dance around to awesome songs, and pretend I’m doing karaoke with the Giants. Cody is the one I imagined would jump up on stage with me, and then hey. All Star Game this year – video of him singing Sweet Caroline and California Love.

I’m eerie about some things. I don’t like hanging out unless I feel totally secure. I have a new apartment filled with nothing but dirty clothes, a TV, and a constantly collapsing air mattress. I like to watch movies at night. I am a legal pot smoker, I don’t really drink very much anymore, I’m me.

It’s just sometimes very difficult to find the usefulness in that.

I play guitar, but not well enough. I sing, but everyone else sings better. I draw, but then I see these magnificent ink drawn, scanned, photoshopped and coloured things that other people produce. (Word count = 420. Too bad I feel icky today), my best friend gets home from work at 6. My other best friend is two hours ahead of me. I love IKEA.

What’s next?