Baseball Tuesday Morning, YAY!!

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YO, PEEP THIS.

This is Heath FUCKING BELL. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS WHEN HEATH BELL GOES TO PITCH? CRAZY SHIT TIME, THAT’S WHAT IT IS. THIS ONE TIME HE WAS IN THE ALLSTAR GAME AND HE SLID INTO THE PITCHER’S MOUND (UM, THAT’S INAPPROPRIATE). IT WAS SO TIGHT.

HEATH FUCKING BELL (SORRY, IT’S “JUSTIN” NOT “FUCKING”) STARTED OUT PLAYING FOR THE METS. THE METS ARE WHERE WE GOT CARLOS BELTRAN, AND WHERE WE SENT ZACH WHEELER (COME HOME, ZACKY). Heath Bell NOW plays for the San Diego Padres. A team we love to hate, because even though they are 13,000 games back in the NL West, they have our number. Padres are stupid and dumb, and Bruce Bochy and Tim Flannery and everyone else USED to be a PADRE AND THEY HAD COOL UNIFORMS BACK IN THE ’70S. THEY WEAR THEM SOMETIMES NOW.

HIS COUSIN’S NAME IS DRAKE. DRAKE BELL. AS IN “DRAKE AND JOSH.” IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE THAT’S FROM YOU’RE WAY STUPIDER THAN HEATH BELL, WHO WENT TO A COMMUNITY COLLEGE, WHICH IS HOW YOU KNOW HE’S SMART. TRUST ME. COMM COLLEGES ARE HARDER THAN PUBLIC IVIES. WHICH ARE HARDER THAN IVY LEAGUE SCHOOLS WHICH IS WHY THE WHOLE GRADE INFLATION THING STARTED AND THE REASON WHY ONLY 2 PEOPLE CAN GET AN A IN A COLLEGE COURSE AT MY OLD UNIVERSITY.

LOOK AT THIS CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER GODDAM. THIS MOTHERFUCKER COULD KNOCK YOU OUT, DON’T LIE. YOU WILL NEVER BE HALF THE MAN HEATH BELL IS. WHEN YOU ARE OLD AND NOT FAMOUS, PEOPLE WILL STILL REMEMBER WHEN HE SLID INTO THE MOUND IN THE 2011 ALL STAR GAME. MEANWHLE YOUR KIDS WILL BE LOOKING AT YOU LIKE, HEATH BELL IS AWESOME, WHAT DID *YOU* EVER DO IN YOUR LIFE, MOM/DAD? I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, COULDN’T YOU HAVE EVER BEEN AS COOL AS HEATH BELL, DAD? JESUS, DAD, YOU SUCK ROCKS. GO LEAVE ME ALONE. I’M GOING TO PRETEND TO BE HEATH BELL’S KID CAUSE AT LEAST HE’S DONE SOMETHING WORTHWHILE IN HIS LIFE.

WE DON’T REALLY WORRY ABOUT THE PADRES (EVEN IF WE SHOULD, CAUSE SERIOUSLY DOES *ANYONE* *WANT* TO WIN THE NL WEST? I’M WONDERING FOR REALS). SO YOU CAN LIKE THEM IF YOU WANT, IF YOU’RE A FAN OF STUPID TEAMS LIKE THE PADRES. THEY’RE STUPID. BUT THEY HAVE HEATH BELL.

AND YOUR KIDS ALREADY HATE YOU, SO DON’T WORRY.

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